“Patience, Amarian,” Naldar said. He motioned to his two bodyguards and they rushed off. “We shall hunt him down. See to it that Queen Melquarra is unhurt.”
“I am quite fine,” said the Unsidhe the assassin had been so desperate to get at. “Though I might not have been, if only for the interference of this one. Tell me, what is your name?”
“I am Amarian, squire of Naldar,” he replied.
The Unsidhe smiled. Amarian shivered. “You have my gratitude, squire,” she said. She walked away with grace and poise, but stopped by Naldar for a moment. “I’ll leave in the morning. Undermount calls me back.”
Naldar nodded. “Of course. Forgive this lapse of protection. I will see to it that your companions receive a proper burial.”
Queen Melquarra waved her hand. “Do not bother. They were probably conspiring to kill me themselves anyway. If not that, then at least usurp my heirs. Simply bury them, get them out of sight. I would hate for you to be burdened with them.”
“As you wish, Queen,” Naldar said. The Unsidhe walked away, followed after by the remnants of her entourage. The centaur lord turned back to Amarian. “Queen Melquarra is one of our strongest allies. You’ve done me a great deal today, ensuring her survival.”
Amarian was silent. He simply sheathed his sword and looked at Naldar. The warlord furrowed his eyebrows.
“I have seen colts look happier at spitting a rabbit on a spear at a canter,” he said. “Speak your mind, Amarian.”
The squire sighed. “You spoke to me, a day or so ago. You gave me an offer, or implied that one existed.”
The warlord simply walked forward, arms crossed over his bare, tattooed chest, listening to Amarian.
“You told me that I could return to Hollith with what I learned, and improve it with that knowledge. I’ve believed that. But, lately, I’ve begun to see that isn’t going to be true. Hollith isn’t for all of this, all the swordsmanship and combat skill. It is a land of traders and diplomats, not warriors and soldiers.
“You have been good to me, better than Gildabareth was, though he was a good man in his own right. Though your ways are harder than his, they have taught me more in two years than his did in five. I may have stopped that assassin, but you trained me to. To do anything other than accept your offer, it would be disrespectful. And, in my heart, I don’t think I could live with that choice anyway.”
Naldar walked forward and put his hand on Amarian’s shoulder. “You would call me your sire?”
Amarian put his hand on Naldar’s. “You have given me the opportunity.”
The centaur warlord smiled for just a moment. “Not yet. Something must be done first.”
Amarian nodded. “I knew this.”
Naldar shook him. “Fear not. This shall not be some small affair. I will summon The Alchemist. He will make you fit to be my son.”
Amarian was silent for a moment. At last, he nodded his head. “If you will it.”
“I do,” Naldar said. He put his arm around Amarian’s shoulder and lead him away.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Back for part two!
Keep in mind you earned the following ramble.
The centaurs and their bodyguards would have been only coming from one side, correct? this means that they would have only been able to see one side and they would have also been blinded by the smoke. After the whole work as omniscient PoV, you only stick to one character's head at the end to describe things. I'm not saying that doesn't work (I liked only focusing on one character) but you need to mention the others as well. This means including a short bit about the centaurs looking around, maybe asking the other Unsidhes if they saw anything, doing a quick sweep of the castle walls, or just a little more than running off. If they don't even look for ways he escaped, how can they even begin to track him down?
Now that I have finished that, we move on to what I thought of this line.
The second part of dialogue has me somewhat confused. It is hard to know exactly who Naldar is talking to, despite there being only two other people around (And we know he's not talking to the queen because she's right there). This is because the first sentence (we shall hunt him down) could be reassurance or orders. And the second sentence (See to it that Queen Melquarra is unhurt) could also be orders. Since we don't know that the third Unsidhe is queen. Even though it's hinted at, we're not sure. I'd make the second part a direct comment; not so vague. That would make it flow better.
It is possible that we have forgotten how creepy those Unsidhe are (I had). Describe that smile a little so we understand that shiver.
Also, did she notice this shiver? If she did, she certainly didn't take any offense. I find that slightly odd. If somebody shivered at my looks, I would question them at least.
The... Undermount? I assume that is the land the Unsidhe are from. Forcing readers to assume things like that can be a bit tricky, since you'll never be sure if they connect the dots.
I also have a huge question of how the Undermount is calling her back. It seems to important, but there's nothing about it. Was it a messenger or an magical tie? That makes us wonder what's going on again.
I like this but I don't. I like the casual tone because it really characterizes the world nicely. What I don't like is a bit of confusion/curiosity I have: Why was she talking to them if she thought they were going to kill her? Or does she feel somewhat safe around them since there were others (but I'm getting to that in the nit-pick below)
I don't remember any mention of other members of her entourage. The way the last part was written, it implied that there were only three Unsidhe around. How many were there? You'd need to mention others moving away from the assassin's blade for this to not cause confusion. Or a mention of more delegates coming in to escort her.
This is really hard to read. You've got too many prepositional phrases/modifiers in here for this dialogue to make sense. Break up this sentence, or cut out some modifiers, to clear this up.
The "for" here doesn't seem to fit. It seems to imply Hollith is his training. Flip the parts of this sentence so he mentions his training first. That would have things make much more sense.
It took me a minute (still does every time I reread this) to catch that this is still Amarian talking. I don't remember where I saw this exactly, I'm pretty sure it was in one of limyaael fantasy rants, but it said something about breaking up long chunks of dialogue so we know that there are still people talking. Sometimes long speeches like this work, but because you mention Gildabareth and him being a "good man" here, and because in The Head of Gildabareth you have Naldar say Gildabareth was a good man, this dialogue stands out as being Naldar's when it's not. I would put some mention of Amarian still talking at the beginning of this.
After him talking about becoming Naldar's son, "That choice" is kinda fuzzy. I thought that's becoming Naldar's son was "that choice," which just made me very confused. Replace "that choice" with the actual name of the choice.
This is supposed to be a really touching moment, but I'm not feeling anything. I think it's because "you have given me this opportunity" has been said (indirectly) before. It leaves this line slightly flat.
This reassurance (mostly the "this shall not be some small affair") seems a bit contradictory. If this were to be a large affair, I would think it would amplify the fear. I'd focus more on how the process will go instead of making this sound like something that will take a long time/be painful.
Side note- Two "not"s so close together are repetitive and slightly hard to read over.
"The" doesn't need to be capitalized.
*
Your clarity here was the main issue. A lot of the lines I pointed out where either odd wordings or the fantasy history wasn't explained properly. In stark contrast to your first part, this part didn't have enough explanation. This was mostly centered in the first half. You'd need to focus a little bit more on giving explanations for some of these events. And maybe expand the end a bit. So we get a better idea of what would happen with the Alchemist and the supposed celebration that will happen after.
There is also the slight wording issue here. A lot of your sentences were really clumsy to read over and were sometimes confusing. Work on cutting down the number of prepositions you have in a single sentence, and modifiers as well. That will make things a bit easier to understand.
Despite getting good emotion from Naldar and Queen Melquarra, I still wasn't getting that much emotion from Amarian. His dialogue, which should be touching, doesn't hold that much emotion for me. It could be from the slightly strange note of this plot, but I think it was because he repeats himself somewhat in the first and second halves of this. He also doesn't have that much action while the other characters do. Actions show us his emotions indirectly, and you had gotten them very well in the Head of Gildabareth. Here, however, his character doesn't shine through that well.
I think this might have stemmed from the lack of conflict before. This is supposed to be a release of conflict, I think, but we don't have any conflict that needs to be released. I rambled about that enough in part one, so I won't repeat myself.
If you have any questions, drop me a line.
~Rosey
Hi Conrad! June here.
Another excellently written chapter by you in the same even pacing and wonderful tone. The only thing I have to point out about this is the appearance of the queen. In the previous chapter, it's not extremely clear that she is present; the assassin seems to be after someone, but it's not stressed who it is.
Having them suddenly converse with her was a slight surprise. It made things clearer, yes, but I felt that her presence should have been noted over so that we know that she really is there.
Other than that, your transitions were excellent. I love how evenly you move this story forward; the character's dialogue is simple, but not boring and always seems to get us somewhere.
I don't have much more to say on this; it was very, very well written and immensely enjoyed.
June
Mister Rice! I'm back again!
So, pretty much everything else is really good. But this part is kinda weird for me. It's like OMG, YOU ARE GOING TO BE A CENTAUR NOW, HOW DO YA FEEL?
And all we know was that he was silent. What was his expression? Was he looking away, thinking? Tell us what he was doing and not only being silent.
I do not like this part very well. The Queen says that they were probably going to conspire against her anyway; that right there has the readers wondering Why would they do that? Which could lead into a whole different story or idea. Instead, you just keep it that way and move along, leaving the reader behind, wondering.
Oooh, did they teleport to the Queen? Or did the, oh my gosh, run!?
To me, she suddenly poofed out of no where. Was she already there? Did they have to find her? Did she walk up? Did they teleport? Tell us how she got there, so people like me don't assume that she teleported there.
Description and Dialouge
For example, are they still in the court yard? Is the sun beginning to set? Were they left alone during their conversation? We want to know more, Mister Rice!
What I love about the story
Mister Rice, I can't wait for part three now. They've agreed to make Amarian a centaur! What's going to happen now? And yes, I love this. Feel free to PM or IM me if you have any questions or comments.
*Lin
Hi again,
I found nothing wrong with this. It was awesome! I love the dialogue, and I love Amarion.
Keep writing!